BEL MOONEY: The lover’s web of deception makes me bitter

Dear Bel,

I am a gay man in my thirties. So far, a meaningful romantic relationship has eluded me. Not because I don’t want to, but because the right person just didn’t come.

Although I have a successful career and a strong circle of family and close friends, I am not very confident so I find it difficult to meet people romantically.

For the past few years, I’ve had a very relaxed relationship with a bisexual man, seeing myself once or twice a year with no connection between the two.

Earlier this year, we saw each other and things have changed. He makes me feel so special that I can’t resist.

On a recent weekend, we held hands and acted like more than just friends with perks.

He has a relationship with someone else, a woman, who is in a long term relationship with another man.

He would clearly like more with this girl, who also works for him. I’m a little on the side. He sees me in secret when he can’t see her.

Although she doesn’t know he’s bisexual, she must have guessed. One of her previous male lovers told her, but she rejected the “lie”.

Why doesn’t she leave her longtime partner for her boss? He treats her very well. His family is making the deal easier, which I suspect has something to do with his money and his generosity.

It frustrates me to see him being exploited and it makes me bitter that I just want to spend time with him for who he is, not for his money.

I put my cards on the table and shared my feelings with him. He was gentle; says he has feelings too – but ultimately doesn’t want any additional complications just yet.

What do I do? He was the first man who made me feel that way, but I’m really hurt and frustrated by the situation.

GARY

This week, Bel advises a gay reader whose boyfriend is dating another woman – who doesn’t know he’s bisexual

Oh what a tangled web we weave, When we first practice deceiving ‘is a wise quote.

It comes from an epic poem by Sir Walter Scott titled Marmion: A Tale Of Flodden Field, which tells how one of Henry VIII’s courtiers, Lord Marmion, pursues his desire for a wealthy woman, Clara.

He and his mistress, a delinquent nun (yes, really!), Devise a ploy to trap Clara’s fiancé. Things get chaotic and, although Marmion beats Clara’s intention in a duel, he loses because she retires to a convent rather than endure his attentions.

So be careful everyone!

When you lie, you build a domino structure of complications that eventually get out of hand.

Does something like this not happen in the life of the man you love? He lies to his mistress who, in turn, lies to his longtime partner, whom she will not leave. What a turn it would be if he also talked about pigs, and had his own share on the side.

During this time, you have no one else, but you are forced to gaze longingly, knowing that she is the chosen one. It must be horrible for you and I am sorry that you are being used in this way by this handsome, rich and successful man.

Because we just can’t put an end to it: you are used. Understandably reluctant but (I think) empowered by the new intensity of your feelings, you have told your man exactly how you feel.

How did he respond? In fact, he said gently, “Yeah, okay, sure – I love you too and all that – but not right away, thank you.” He is ready to chain you because you give him sexual pleasure and he enjoys your company.

But I suspect you’ll always be the runner-up – and in the end, you’ll get hurt by the man who wants it all and usually gets it.

Of course, you are “hurt and frustrated” because this relationship is going nowhere. If you’d been more “friends with benefits” by meeting twice a year for sex, it doesn’t matter what he did with the rest of his time.

But now you are entangled in a web of lies woven by two people, a man and a woman, both of whom are determined to their own satisfaction.

Please don’t let these spiders eat you. You have so much going on for yourself and you should step back now and try to find someone new who will treat you fairly.

How could his father spend his savings?

Dear Bel

Since our daughter was little, my husband and I have set aside part of our income in a bank account, part of hers from her part-time job in a store and money from her childcare allowance. .

She is now 18 and preparing to go to college, so we gave her access to the account.

My husband was very hesitant and I quickly understood why. He spent almost all the money on Match Attax football cards.

To say that I am livid is an understatement. He says they are his heirloom to her because they “will be incredibly precious when I die” – but the fact that he has gone behind our back is so overwhelming.

My daughter left home angry to stay with her boyfriend’s family and I don’t know what to do.

STEPHANIE

Thought of the day

Just do one little thing: just love.

Just do one little thing: don’t judge.

Just do one little thing: don’t be sad.

Just do one little thing: forgive.

Based on a hymn by Irina Denisova, a leading choir director and composer in Belarus and now a nun at St. Elizabeth’s Monastery in Minsc

Disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially when it’s someone you think you know and love who lets you down.

Such disillusion leaves a bitter taste, which never quite goes away.

‘How can you do that?’ means “How can you be so weak and selfish and how come I never realized it was in you?” We are unhappy that our judgment has been called into question.

Nothing could make these cards worth your daughter’s loss of respect for her father. He was as dumb as he was dishonest, but that doesn’t just make him bad or crazy – although I bet he was made very sad realizing how weak he was. Didn’t he think he would be discovered?

He needs to do whatever it takes to fix it, including selling his precious cards as soon as possible. The value of the items we collect and cherish is never fixed, so it is illusory to assume growth.

The only thing worth appreciating here is the love and respect for his wife and daughter. In time, you will both forgive him – because you have to. It is the imperfect human being with whom you share your life. But he better prove he’s worth it.

I despair of my new love

Dear Bel

My question is very complex and I can only say that it makes me despairing.

During the lockdown, I became friends with a woman and we walked and talked every day, and we even texted each other between times.

The only stumbling block is that I am a married man – with my wife for 30 years – a loveless marriage, which has been the case for years.

We don’t sleep together and are therefore more friends than husband and wife. I want to leave her and move in with this woman. What should I do?

ROCK

This is one of the shortest emails I have ever received, and there are so many questions I wish I had answered.

I take this to suggest to readers that while the long letters give me a difficult task to edit, I need a few details when you write.

You, Peter, don’t even tell me if you have a family. Or when you met the other woman and if she is married. Or if your wife has any idea that all this walking and talking has taken place. Do you see?

No more Bel Mooney for the Daily Mail …

Every letter in this column is a unique story, but yours has as many holes as one of my moth sweatshirts. But it is easy to imagine that you are in love. I believe that we “fall in love” many times in a lifetime; by “love” I mean a feeling of intensity. This lady could be your new life partner.

Or she could be a wonderful person whose appeal has been heightened by the heightened atmosphere of the lockdown.

Either way, I’m old enough to believe that a 30-year marriage shouldn’t be abandoned because of a new passion.

You call marriage “without love,” but by that you mean sexless, because you always call your wife your friend. And old friends need consideration too.

If the marriage has run its course, then this conversation needs to take place with your wife. It cannot be dodged.

But “hopelessness” can be compounded by lasting guilt. Treat your wife with the love you felt when you met her and then you will have the moral strength to face it.

And finally…So happy family found each other

A few months ago, I mentioned “ancestry” websites and DNA and admitted that I really didn’t want to find new parents. Now Wrote: “You must receive so many sad letters, so here is one that is amazing, amazing and most importantly happy.

She continues: “I was an illegitimate child, born in 1946. My mother died when I was 12 but I had my grandfather, my uncle and my much older brother at home, so I didn’t. have never lacked a male presence.

“When mom passed away, I was living with my uncle and aunt, who were like parents to me. Overall, I have had a pretty happy life.

A’s cousin is passionate about DNA-based genealogy research, so the two women took some tests and A discovered a first cousin, M, whom she had no knowledge of.

Contact Bel

Bel answers weekly readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues.

Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email [email protected]

A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all the letters but regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence.

“As a first cousin can only be related by parents or grandparents, we have come to the obvious conclusion – that the relationship must be through my father,” she adds.

The only thing A ever knew about his father was that he was in the Royal Air Force. She got in touch with M – and found out her father had been in the RAF for 25 years and had been stationed for some time in the county where A lives.

“Having got his name and a bit of history, I then checked second and third cousins ​​on the DNA list – and found that through these more distant cousins , I shared DNA with M’s grandfather, ”she writes.

‘I feel like I’m in the middle of an episode of Long Lost Family! Sometimes I have a sad moment that I never knew my father (he died in 1996), but most of the time I walk around with a smile on my face. I am also very grateful that M and I have decided to put our DNA results on Ancestry. ‘

In wartime and post-war times, A’s story was not uncommon. Now she is so happy to see pictures of her father and to know more about the new members of her family.

Reading his story also made me happy. A reminder to always be open to good surprises.

About Nell Love

Nell Love

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